you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
