My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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