my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
