Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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