The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
