Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
