mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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