He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
