If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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