I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
