and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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