After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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