24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I checked into jail on foursquare
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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