hotel room ftw
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
