My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
