I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
