??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
