Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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