and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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