I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
