he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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