To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
