somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
