I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He better not be in your backpack
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
did i just pee glitter
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
