My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
