youre lurking in front of me
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
