I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
