just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
