Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
