So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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