I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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