i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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