You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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