Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
