There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
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