FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
