Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
We are two peas in an std pod
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
