how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
