it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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