So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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