Midget sex pt 2 tonight
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
