Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
whose parrot is this?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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