I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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