My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
