Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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