So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
