The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
