I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
