My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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