I accidentally burped into my bong.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
